Modern dating: from sexting to real-life courtship
Love in a cup: Photo by WordRidden, courtesy of Creative Commons"So, I'm here now. What are your other two wishes?" Cue the wink, 1000-watt smile and flip of the hair.
But how exactly could this be translated via text again? "I'll be there in 10, what are your other wishes...?" Cue the endless stream of emoticons: winky face, smiley face? Doesn’t seem quite as charismatic as working the face-to-face charm.
Valentine's Day shouldn't be a day when you get a virtual e-card with pictures of delicious chocolates, pretty roses or a snuggly little bear – rather, like the search and find tactics used in dating, it should revolve around a certain amount of in-person human interaction.
If, indeed, these technological advancements have left you feeling a bit glum, a bit confused and a bit inadequate with face-to-face flirtations, there's no sense in breaking a sweat with worry. With the excitement of a new decade still fresh, it seems natural that people should be able to revamp the way they interact. We're not robots, after all. Even if we can send an automated text, e-mail or message without ever seeing the other person, don't we actually want to know if human interaction works anymore these days?
A mere four days out from V-Day, you might not be able to land a valentine on such short notice (that is, if you're even worried about this Hallmark holiday) – but scoring a date in this town isn't hopeless. It just requires...a lot of dedication. Don’t get this confused: scoring a random date with the first person who hits on you isn’t difficult; it’s about hooking a good date – one who will keep you entertained through more than just your drink order.
How does flirting and dating work in a time when there's such a high reliance on e-mail, texts and Facebook messaging? Can someone who's relied on these means as the main ways of communicating actually transfer these skills to real-life social interactions? How do pick-up lines, eye contact and body language work again?
In this technologically-confused world, perhaps getting down to the basics of human interaction is the key to reaching success.
Face-to-Face
In this town – before “Snowmaggedon” hit – one could venture out to various parts of D.C. to bump into people.
For a quiet ambiance and little distraction to your politically-charged conversation, you could visit Hawk & Dove by Capitol Hill. Happy Hour specials such as $2 Miller Lite drafts, $7 pitchers and free beef macaroni light up our day. The place is cozy and the servers are attentive. Other than that, our assessment was that it wasn't optimal for the game before 7 p.m. – the only cute guy at this bar was the one standing outside!
Quickly after this adventure, we wandered over to Union Pub, where, surprisingly enough, there was not an available seat in the house at 7:30 p.m.
The specimen?
After a quick scan around the bar, the percentage of young, date-able suits was a rough 5 percent. A low number, yes; but, more potential than the previous destination. Body-language expert Janine Driver told Cosmopolitan, “A guy will decide within 7 seconds of looking at you if he wants to talk to you.” The same rule applies to females, and we agreed.
We didn’t talk to anyone besides the bartender and our neighbor sharing his bar stool.
Within two hours, the percentage had risen to about 10 to 15 percent – depending on your individual height preferences.
Before we move on to our next destination, a quick note to those who might be confused about what piques one's interest during social interactions.
1) Man 1: Do not brag about how you've just come from Bikram Yoga. It makes you sound pretentious and gross; you just spent 1.5 hours sweating in a 105-degree room, and you're still wearing your yoga clothes. Get away, stinky.
2) Man 2: Do not remove your smelly shoes at a public place when others are crowded around you. It makes it unpleasant for other humans to enjoy their $12 pitchers of Miller Lite and side of tator tots. Again, personal hygiene.
But DO order the tator tots––new-age dating may have marched from $80 caviar dinners to sharing a $5 bucket of tators over happy hour. Of course, don't forget the sauce—it's nothing with out the sauce.
The Art of Conversation
If you do decide to take the initiative and play the aggressive card, oftentimes a pick-up line may make you fall flat on your face. "You look thirsty," you might suggest – as you hand a beer to a guy as an opener.
One man's treasure is another man's trash; what works in one scenario might not completely translate in another. In one instance, a free beer for a guy is a conversation starter; in another instance, the guy might end up stuttering incoherently and grabbing the offering – in which case, you'll be cued instantly to dispose of the pipe dream and walk away to salvage some sort of dignity.
Catherine Blyth, author of "The Art of Conversation," answered questions for New York Times readers on various scenarios where conversation can get confusing. One such question posed by reader Shelley Rankin brought up how modern technology affects communication.
"How does texting and Facebooking impact us as conversationalists?"
Blyth answered, "We can't get to know people as deeply, communicating via machines. Too many clues are missing: tone of voice, facial expression. So to imagine that texting is equal to conversing is to believe the X at the bottom of a card is as good as a hug."
Sometimes, these technological outlets are just a means for people to hide behind their robotic actions. If you can ask a person out via text, you're making it easier on yourself.
But in the same respect, it's that much easier for the person to reject and ignore you via the same avenue. Is it really better to use technology to advance your dating strategies? Rather than making it easier on us nowadays – thinking it's better to avoid the hesitation in the person's face when you ask him out, or listen to the awkwardness in their voice as they stutter for an excuse – it seems that rejection is much easier to come at.
"As e-mail messages proliferate, many of us end up hiding behind screens. Hours dissolve in drawn-out dialogues that could be dispatched more efficiently in a quick chat," Blyth said.
A first date may be incredibly painful––he’s declared his disdain for sports, and proceeds to discuss the intricacies of Jersey Shore, as you hide your disinterest behind a strained smile while downing Miller Lites as quickly as possible–maybe he’ll get cuter. Or you find yourself completely taken by his blue-green eyes, his disarming charm, even as he talks up Karl Rove.
After an initial hang out, both parties usually know if there’s a spark or not, as Washington Post’s Date Lab has chronicled. Why waste time flirting for months via text, when the game you’re playing on the field may offer greater intrigue?
Robot Love
Pluto used to be a planet, people used to blow on video games to make them work, and oh yea, cell phones were once used for talking.
The bygone era of 20-cent text messages has altered the state of modern love. It’s simply easier to start conversations with a crush over text message, Facebook and e-mail, since not as much courage is necessary. Of course, singles in their 30s, 40s, 50s and older are not the only ones befuddled when it comes to the rules in this new playbook. Having a talent for flirting in-person is no longer necessary–it’s all about how well you can string the written word to catch a mate.
Broken heart robot: Photo by woolloomooloo, courtesy of Creative Commons
Broken heart robot: Photo by woolloomooloo, courtesy of Creative Commons“I hate it! What do I say back?” said 24-year-old graduate student Ann Dang. Thrown back into the dating scene after ending a 5-year relationship, she found the playing field had changed. When you give a guy your number, he doesn’t call you anymore –he sends cryptic texts, Dang said.
Oftentimes, this leaves you to decipher the tone, diction and those sub-text heavy ellipses.
“Sure texting is easier and probably produces less anxiety, but I mean, I would want to have normal conversation after the first few text exchanges,” Dang said.
After meeting someone and figuring out they’re interested – he looks at you a few seconds too long, he sees you from across the street and switches direction to talk with you – these physical cues take a second to gather. You start engaging in flirtatious texts. Time’s not on your side, neither has a moment to meet up and a month later he’s lost interest. An entire “relationship” began and ended without even so much as dinner.
Without the risk of in-person interaction, there’s less room for scoring in the game.
In the era of robot love, the wordsmiths and the clever come out on top.
“You can be more candid, but you also got to be more clever, or else no response,” said 24-year-old graduate student Soknorntha Prum.
You’re left to wonder if they never received your text (or they say their cell ate them up), if they walked away from their phone or if they simply don’t want to reply.
“At least in person they’ll share an awkward smile and slowly find a way out,” Prum said. The rejection is immediate – you lick your wounds and move on to the next.
So after all that initial flirting – the pent-up hormones raging – comes the sexting.
“There’s a thin line between him and the whole school,” goes MTV’s anti-sexting P.S.A. In the good old days, it was all hearsay. These days, your provocative 3 a.m. texts and nude photographs may well be plastered on Facebook for the entire world to see – it’s not just high school anymore.
Sexting heightens expectations and may set future engagements up for failure, and too much sexting may even remove the element of surprise – been there, done that. Like your mother always told you, you’re never going to hold a man by being easy – the same rules apply.
Promoting abstinence-only texting is a hard rule, unless you're China, so a rule of thumb: if you’re coming home alone from a hard night in the field, looking to engage in sexting, safety first.
Avoid pressing the buttons for that guy you dated years back, the one you left in another city who only texts you a week before you visit, or an old friend you’ll never hook-up with in real life. Both parties already know what the expectations are and where it is or isn’t going to go.
Dating 101
A night out in the field may be a bit more treacherous than a night chatting over the plethora of online mediums, but there’s still a certain luxury to this real-life human interaction. Albeit there’s room to horrendously embarrass yourself, you can still tell yourself no one will remember the next morning and at least there’s no written proof. You’re not stuck reeling from utter embarrassment over that e-mail you left to an almost stranger or that 3 a.m. Facebook wall post that’s been public for almost six hours.
As complicated as humans already are, there’s less complication and less room for misunderstandings in real-life conversation – it’s not complicated and messy until it hits Facebook. So for 2010, strap on a bit of courage, and get out there – if this snow ever let’s up. We promise, at the very least, it’ll be an adventure.
Outtakes: What NOT to do when on "the hunt:"
Shred me: Photo by Carbon NYC, courtesy of Creative Commons
Do NOT accidentally stumble into a college toga party in a dorm.
Do NOT end up at a bar filled with 21 to 22-year olds. Unless you’re into that kind of thing – then, embrace the cougarism and party on.
Do NOT “attack” the only guy in the party that looks just like the one you can’t get over.
Do NOT accidentally dance with someone’s boyfriend.
Do NOT miss the last Metro going home, if you’re determined to avoid sleepovers and $40 cab rides.
Current TV's "Texting your way to love" exhibits how you won't find love.
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